Self-portrait (2018)

Whenever I look at my photos or videos with me, I'm so sad of myself. I have too long and oblong face and there is not enough place for my big nose.
I want to get plastic surgery. The idea was thrown out there, I was considering it from the age of 40. And I started to look for a clinic specializing in plastic surgery and a good doctor. I found the answer very quickly. I've been thinking how to tell that to my family for a long time And finally decided to do it..
I arranged to have surgery. Took me to this room, did all these kinds of tests. There were two girls who has already got rhinoplasty in this room. When I saw these girls after the surgery I wanted to cry. They said: Why are you crying? I was very afraid. There was blood in eyes, large bruises covered the entire side of their faces. One of them had bloody sputum, another one was vomiting blood. It was horrible. I helped to take care of them. Nobody cared for these girls at that hospital. It was the second reason why I was scared. Actually, the doctor was good. Everybody told me about his big experience in this field.




The doctor'd warned me not to eat before plastic. When anaesthetist went that morning, I ate on purpose in order for he couldn't convince me. He told me: 'OK. A day previously, I advised you against it. It's your choice. If you ate, we'd say goodbye'. I called my relatives at that night. They did scare me with all the talk about the things that can go wrong with me during that plastic surgery. They talked me out of. I often think about taking it up again, though. I'm fearful of the bad effects, but I would do it for a sense of confidence and a feeling good from the way I look. I'm still looking at my photos and I don't like it, because I see myself in a different way. I'm trying to reshoot it until I'm satisfied with my look.
I'm doing it not to make a big change in my life but to feel good about the way I look.


Since I was a child I started going to model agency, where they taught the kids to pose the right way, walk the right way and think the right way. When I was 6 years old I've already been able to pose mouth and look in the camera. These skills helped me when I became a teenager.

Classmates used to call me Dutca-Nose because of my big nose. I started wearing make-up in school for building my confidence.Then they started to call me ProstiDute. I think, the girl, who is wearing evening make-up in seventh grade, looks really weird.

I became to be interested in fashion, glossy magazines, beauty tips, FashionTV, celebrity life and TV series about designers. In one side, fashion world gave me an example to follow, in another - freedom and a field for experimentation.
I was dreamed about rhinoplasty, as soon as I would be of legal age. While I was waiting for it I wasn't able to get over my body and nose image issues. I hated my nose and didn't want to hear about my good-looking profile.
I became to be interested in fashion, glossy magazines, beauty tips, FashionTV, celebrity life and TV series about designers. In one side, fashion world gave me an example to follow, in another - freedom and a field for experimentation.
As my mother I was dreamed about rhinoplasty, as soon as I would be of legal age. While I was waiting for it I wasn't able to get over my body and nose image issues. I hated my nose and didn't want to hear about my good-looking profile.
At 16 years old my adult life was started. I left parents and began to learn myself. Most of all I was interested in my body. I really started putting the weight on or loosing one continually. It's like one thing after another, every single time. I didn't mean to do it. But in that moment I was watching my reaction to my body the whole time.
I remember one day when I was in a hotel room and I was looking at myself in the mirror. Man, who having sex with me, took shower. I stayed there and I was watching myself. 10 kilograms over... but he desires me. He's got perfect body. I've never had such a body. Why is this happening? I took a look in the mirror once again. I actually for the first time liked it. I have a waist... large breast. I made some friends photographers and artists, who started shooting and drawing me. There were a lot of pictures with focus in my profile. It helped me accept who I am.

Idea, photography, text and design - Carolina Dutca, Assistant of photography - Cristian Dutca, Valentin Sidorenko, Text Editor - Alexander D Resnick , some photos are from personal archives of Carolina Dutca and Irina Dutca
This site was made on Tilda — a website builder that helps to create a website without any code
Create a website